Online Dating for Long Term Compatibility
Online Dating for Long Term Compatibility
By: Jill
I met my husband on the dating app called Plenty of Fish (POF). There, I said it. I feel as though this gives me enough credentials to give our Roc Boudie Tribe tips on navigating through online dating. According to The Statistic Brain Research Institute, 49.7 million Americans have tried online dating! 24% use online dating for hookups, 43% is to find friends and 84% of Americans are looking for long term compatibility.
Before we dive into my embarrassing stories…
It’s important to understand why and how I came upon this virtual way of dating. Six years ago I ended my relationship with my then-boyfriend. Our relationship was textbook abusive as I had found myself isolated and controlled for five long years. With enough wine, I could go on for hours about where I had gone wrong and how I should’ve left sooner. Nevertheless, after five years and one terrible night, my family moved me out of my apartment and into a 2 bedroom house where I was living alone. After being codependent for so long, being alone and in charge of myself was unsettling. After a few months, my best friend moved in with me and showed me POF.
The perspective that society has on online dating has changed over the last ten years. The Pew Research Center conducted a poll in 2005 and found that 44% of Americans believed that online dating was a good way to meet potential dates. Ten years later, this statistic jumps to nearly 60%. In the beginning, online dating was a very scary thing for me. We all remember the craigslist killer right? Plus, I watch WAY too many crime shows so I was a little paranoid. The reality is, online dating has been around since before 2000. Remember AOL instant messenger (AIM)? The chat rooms that many of us were a part of in the 90’s had been preparing us to embrace digital dating. eHarmony first made its appearance in 2000 with the goal of matching compatibility for long term relationships. Things changed after 2007 when we all had 3G compatible phones that would allow us to find matches “on-the-go”. This is where Tinder was born. Short term compatibility worked for Tinder because these dating apps no longer wanted their users to leave. The goal became to have the user to always be searching for the “greener pasture”.
Tinder became popular just after I met my husband. I thankfully have no experience with Tinder and the now popular Bumble. And look. . . if you are into casual dating and loving your life, YOU GO GIRL! GET IT! When I first signed on, I wasn’t sure what I was looking for. However, I have learned so much about myself and eventually realized that casual dating wasn’t for me. So I can only offer you my experiences on finding long term compatibility.
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My Profile
When I first started out, I had a very vague profile. Few pictures, barely any words in my bio. My metaphoric shield was up and ready to battle. I strung along men while freshening up on my dating and flirting skills as I had never actually “dated” before. I was terrified to meet anyone online and if I am being honest, I didn’t want to meet anyone.
PSA: For the sake of privacy of the men I have met online, they will be referred to as puppies.
(Cute, adorable, sometimes ill-mannered and unpredictable)
The first puppy I met in person was at his home. I spent weeks texting with him and our banter was on point. My expectations were extremely low as I only required that they:
Have a job
Have their own place
Have a car
After meeting my first puppy through online dating, our doom came from being logistically compatible. I realized that the ways I wanted him to change would have ruined the qualities that I adored in him. I had become too invested in a relationship that was not defined and had not gone anywhere. I realized what I really wanted was a long term relationship. I am just not a casual dating type of girl! Although I was heartbroken from my first puppy, I continued to date online and have learned some of the red flags to watch out for along the way.
Advice and Confessions
Some of the hardest lessons we learn is through first-hand experience. So it’s important to know a red flag when you see one. Most of us choose to be blinded by love and continue in an incompatible relationship even though we’ve been beaten by those damn red flags. (Guilty!) Here are some lessons that I have learned along the way:
1. You need compatibility AND attraction - Before dating, I recommend you establish your deal breakers. If your guy is a snowbird and goes to Florida 3 months out of the year and you can’t handle that, don’t believe that you can change him. You shouldn’t have to change someone's lifestyle dramatically for things to work out.
2. Have clear boundaries - Please, please, please, do not do anything you don’t want to do. This could be having sex on a first date. . . or, like me, having to turn down a guy for wanting a hand job in the back parking lot of a bar.
3. Blurred lines - This was my hardest lesson. You both should know whether you enjoy each other’s company enough to bring the relationship to the next level. Don’t waste your time and don’t cause yourself immense heartbreak. It’s not worth it! I enjoy Robert Thick but I don’t like blurred lines.
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4. Your safety - Read between the lines, 81% of people lie or exaggerate in their profile! Be sure to meet in a public place and tell a friend where and when you’re meeting someone. This can make for an easy escape plan if the date isn’t going well. One of my favorite moves I learned through my online dating experience is to ask a guy to send a photo of themselves to me. “Take a quick selfie!” I do this to avoid catfishing, and to see if they are trying to deceive me before meeting up with them!
5. Gut talk - Listen to your gut feeling, if it doesn’t feel right. . . don’t ignore it. I canceled a date with, what I thought, was a great puppy. Something didn’t feel quite right and I could not ignore it. I expressed this to him because he was insulted that I canceled. After blowing up my phone with angry messages, I realized I had certainly dodged a bullet.
6. Silence speaks volumes - Once you’ve exchanged numbers, pay attention to the quickness of returning texts. Especially on a Saturday night! If you experience a radio silence far too often, it could mean that your puppy is out to play.
7. Deleting dating apps - This is a must. Once you’ve met someone that you are really jiving with, there needs to be clear communication that both of you are no longer listed anywhere. Confession: I have searched up a puppy months into dating him, only to see he was still active. It’s so heartbreaking!
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I decided to revamp my profile
I started with photos, as I am passionate about photography. I included photos of me that were not just selfies. Most of them were from me hiking and running as they were my biggest hobbies at the time. I wanted to convey the image that I loved myself and wanted to share my fun experiences with someone special. I cannot remember the exact wording on my profile; however, I know it was short and to the point. Puppies are simple creatures, photos speak more than words can. This second round of dating included the use of filters. I understand that Tinder does allow filters, but only on location, distance, age, and gender. POF was different as you had advanced filtering options.
Filters: your new best friend
Not many women are ready for their first unsolicited d*** pic. Or, if you’re like me, you may enjoy a beautifully written poem about cunnilingus. However, if you are interested in having a relationship that has long term compatibility, filters are your new BFF. After my profile revamps I felt extremely vulnerable! I didn’t want the entire greater Rochester area to see me as I was. I put in a rigorous filtering system. I had essentially raised the bar of my expectations to include:
No children
Non-smoker
College educated
Fit body type
Never married
Interested in a long term relationship
This dramatically lowered the number of profiles that were available to me. I was receiving fewer pickup lines every day and shortly after this, I met username: Jungleman who is now my husband, Josh. My husband deserves a special shoutout for supporting me while I have been awkwardly reflecting my online dating experiences with him. Thanks, Josh!
Online dating is the start of my love story with Josh. The Statistic Brain Research Institute found that in 2018, 1 in 6 marriages were a result of online dating. When I met the man of my dreams, I was ready to start dating someone seriously. People always say that when you meet the right person, “you just know”. Back in 2014, it was controversial to meet a compatible partner online and we always stressed to each other that we would take our relationship slowly so we could get to know each other.
When Jungleman messaged me, it was something along the lines of. . . [to be continued]