Wonder Woman: Reinventing One's Self
Wonder Woman:
Reinventing One's Self
By Megan
Intro by Jill:
What is a Wonder Woman? She is so much more than just a guest blogger. . . she is opening up the world to her story of challenges and regrowth. Megan sought out The Boudoir Studio to mark an important time in her life. . . the reinvention of herself. Her inspiring story takes us through the fateful morning where she woke up and decided to change every aspect of her life. It took great bravery for Megan to leave a miserable marriage, change jobs and focus on her children all while dropping some serious weight along the way.
Here’s what she has to say:
My daughter, born in August, 2013, was the opposite of her brother. I was put on bed-rest for an “irritable cervix” from weeks 23 to whenever she would make her appearance (as the doctors told me). This made my pregnancy extremely high-risk. When she arrived by complete surprise at 30 weeks due to placental abruption, I wasn't able to hold her, I wasn't able to see her. She was swept off to an adjacent room where the most incredible staff (NICU team at Golisano Children's Hospital) was suited up in their white gowns, ready to fight to keep her in this world. I don't know what happened in the minutes to hours after her birth, I just laid in the hospital bed crying and punishing myself for having a body that failed her. Looking back now, this was the start of my own vicious downward spiral. Over the next few years, I felt as if I was going through the motions - I didn't find myself to be an exceptional mother or wife, but I certainly wasn't the worst.
“Because of my isolation, anxiety, fears, being a workaholic, and my ‘just let me do it’ attitude, I was now also at my heaviest weight ever, 350lbs! ”
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As the days continued, the motions seeming almost repetitive and I buried myself in work. In September, 2017, we welcomed our son, a healthy chubblet (as we called him), weighing in at over 9lbs! It was after his arrival that I really felt the pressures of life closing in on me. I grew more isolated and with that, my anxiety and depression were at an all-time high. Because of my isolation, anxiety, fears, being a workaholic, and my 'just let me do it' attitude, I was now also at my heaviest weight ever, 350 lbs! In September, 2018, I had a lot of emotions sweeping over me. We had just closed on our new house, our daughter was starting kindergarten, the company I worked for was undergoing an acquisition, my husband was becoming more distant and I was becoming more unhappy. It took me from September to November to sort out my next move. After all, it didn't take a month to fall into the pit, it wasn't going to take a month to dig out.
“I woke up that morning and felt such dread to go through the daily routine that I said out loud, in my bedroom, to no one but myself that today IS THE day I make moves. ”
During those months, I continued juggling the schedules of my two young kids (now 6 and 2), a 60+ hour a week career, a brand new just built house, two dogs, a marriage and what was my then-husband’s crazy work schedule. There was absolutely no time for me. And I was absolutely miserable. What kind of person can say they are miserable in their life when from the outside everything appears perfect? I had two gorgeous, healthy, smart and vibrant kids, a firefighter for a husband and a booming career that allowed me to meet some of the world's most renowned experts in their fields. I had the absolute proverbial "all". But the "all" everyone saw wasn't satisfying a huge hole that I felt. Something for me was missing . . . a true sense of internal happiness.
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Here it came. My epiphany day! My stand-up for yourself and give no fucks day! November 8th, 2018. I woke up that morning and felt such dread to go through the daily routine that I said out loud, in my bedroom, to no one but myself, that today IS THE day I make moves. I said to my husband that day I wanted a divorce. I took a never-before-done selfie in the mirror and outlined what I wanted to be, I updated my resume and started a new job search and then I cried. I ugly, so-very-ugly-cried, as I knew my life was never going to be the same . . . and I didn't want it to be.
Hunter S. Thompson is widely known for saying "Anything worth doing, is worth doing right" and with that statement, I started my journey into the unknown. I strongly believe we need to repeat what motivates us. I repeated that line to myself daily, sometimes hourly! I was not going to fail. My long-term happiness and that of my children was dependent upon me finding what truly made me happy. I had felt like a failure for thinking so poorly of what, in essence, was a wonderful life. I felt like I was doing everything wrong as I wasn't able to find the joy in my marriage anymore. I felt inferior to everyone else that appeared to have it all together, all the time.
There is so much doubt when you set a big goal. And for me, I set 5 big goals,not expectations, but GOALS:
Goal #1: Get past the anxiety of being outside my house. I didn't set expectations as to what that meant, I just knew I needed a break from the walls of my own home.
Goal #2: Lose weight. I again didn't set an expectation, I just knew I needed to not hate the body I was in.
Goal #3: Get back to running. I knew I needed to get back to running! I used to love running!
Goal #4: Start a new career.
Goal #5: Determine how to live a life separate from my husband.
I kept my goals quiet. That for me was key. Not only were my goals kept quiet but everything that propelled me to make changes was kept quiet.
Fast forward to the present day, March, 2020. Almost 18 months after I declared a new me - a new me for me and for my children. I wanted to see what others saw. I am now divorced, settled into a new home with just me, my kids and my dogs--Goal #5, achieved! I am now 7 months at a new company, in a new position. Goal #4, achieved! I am now back to faithfully running daily. Goal #3, achieved! I have lost 175 lbs! Goal #2, DEMOLISHED. I have found that happiness in myself that I was missing and I wanted to capture this feeling! So that’s when I decided to have my boudoir photos taken. Goal #1, conquered!
If I could offer someone advice in a similar situation it is that no one can offer you an answer. For anything. It has to be something you are committed to and willing to work for. Tears, laughter, anger, joy. All of it has to be controlled by you. I hope no one ever looks to anyone else but themselves for the 'right' answer. I spent many days thinking and worrying about what will 'everyone' say about me asking for a divorce. And you know what I now know is important? It's important to remember that you don't have to share every detail, no one is there with you day in and day out and no one is you. You know how you feel and what you can handle. Growth is being able to walk away from a situation and not have to explain the whole story to anyone because you know in your soul you made the right move.
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Hindsight is 20/20. Maybe even more clear than that sometimes. If I could go back in time and give myself advice, I honestly wouldn't change a thing. Where I am now is where I am supposed to be. I have met incredible people along the way and anticipate so much more joy coming into my life because I found the joy in me.
If I could thank someone for helping me on my journey, it would be my children. I am eternally deeply grateful to my children. They are young and do not see it or know it now, but their happy smiles, kisses, and ability to adapt to all the changes I put them through to help find my true happiness to be their best mom is hands-down the biggest THANK YOU I could give to anyone.
“After my session, I felt great! I wish I planned a date for after because of how great I felt and how wonderful my hair and makeup looked, haha!!”
The Boudoir Studio was amazing. Easy to follow the process, communication was great. It was really pleasant and that is hard to find! The photographer’s directions are so helpful during the shoot. You think it would be easy to remember but the fact that Asif took the time to redirect to ensure the best photo was captured was helpful. The studio manager, Nicki, is so calm and easy to speak with. Narrowing down options and suggestions was easy with her!
Before my session, I felt a bit nervous. No idea what to expect! But that quickly changed to excitement as I spoke with Asif and Tiffany, the hair/makeup artist when I arrived. Tiffany is fantastic! Fun to work with, asked for input, didn’t overdo it with her own preferences and really let me direct the vision for hair and makeup. During my session, my photographer, Asif was great! He was cool, calm and collected which in turn settled my anxiety.
After my session, I felt great! I wish I planned a date for after because of how great I felt and how wonderful my hair and makeup looked, haha!! I’m still waiting for my photos but the studio was stunning! The photos from my session that I have seen previews of are just wonderful. The one thing that stood out to me about The Boudoir Studio is the way Asif knew exactly which angle, how to stand, how to place arms etc was helpful. I felt like these will come out great because he really knows what he is talking about.
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