Motherhood: Expectation vs. Reality
Motherhood: Expectation vs. Reality
By: Jill, Nicki & Andrea
Mother’s day is this Sunday! I cannot help but reflect on what it means to be a mother while honoring the many mother figures in my life. If you missed one of my past posts, An Unconventional Love Story, I became a mother unexpectedly early! While I had always imagined myself becoming a mother, I felt like a had little time to actually prepare. Now being 3 1/2 years into motherhood, it makes me wonder…
is anyone really ready for motherhood?
All of the women who work at The Boudoir Studio are mothers and understand the expectation vs. reality when we became mothers and we are sharing our stories with you today.
Jill:
I remember when I was pregnant, strangers would always ask me while looking at my huge pregnant belly, “Awwww… is this your first baby?” I absolutely hated this question! Not because they were asking it, but because the look of sympathy they would give me afterward. If I could sum up their expressions into words, they were saying “You poor thing”. I would think afterward, “Come on lady, I have everything I need! I come from a big family. I worked in childcare in a room with 4 babies by myself. I got this”. OH BOY, was I wrong!
My expectation of motherhood comes from a long line of excellent mothers. My grandmother was an absolute martyr by having 10 kids! I mean come on, she was pregnant for a total of 8.5 years, she deserves a medal. My mother was a single mother and raised my brother and I alone starting when we were 2 and 3. I still cannot believe that she was able to financially afford us and still had her sanity by the time both my brother and I were out of the house, I bend a knee to her.
My reality of motherhood was much different than I could have ever expected. I read all the What To Expect When You Are Expecting books, The Happiest Baby on The Block book and thought for sure I was ready. It was about a month after my sweet baby girl was born when the reality hit me and the baby love hormone rubbed off. I was still bleeding in my nether regions, I was constantly swamped in my own breast milk and going anywhere was an absolute chore. I remember telling Josh that I fantasized about jumping in my car and running away. I missed my old life. Seriously, what the heck did I do with all my time back then?! Yes, I had postpartum depression and/or baby blues. They always warn you about this, but it hits you like a freight train. These feelings sabotaged all of my expectation of motherhood. I talked to my doctor during one of my follow up visits and got help. Thank god! When Vienna was around 5 months, I started enjoying motherhood again and the rest is blissful history.
After my transition into motherhood, I found a whole new appreciation for my own mother, my grandmother (10 kids, people, 10 kids!), and all the mothers out there. There is no perfect science to this and these incredible, lovable children, somehow, make it all worth it. Now, I am the sympathetic lady in Wegmans who asks pregnant people if it's their first baby. I don’t mean to give them that look, I just want them to know we all had to take that rite of passage and it will be okay. But they will never understand what I mean until they go through it themselves.
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Nicki:
Asif and I were married for 9 years before our first baby arrived. For pretty much all of those married years until about 2 months before I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified about getting pregnant. I felt like I couldn't even relate to my friends who would get all giddy around babies and talk about how they couldn't wait to have a baby. I wasn't sure if I had any "motherly" instincts at all and I felt like I could quite possibly never have kids and be ok with it. However, I also knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I were to become a mom, it would be the most important thing in my life. I knew I would have to be a stay-at-home mom and I knew I would want to homeschool my kids (I now realize this is because my mom was that kind of mom to me and I think as a young child I determined to be like her. She passed away when I was 9 but that determination inside me lived on.).
I think the reason I was so terrified was because I knew how big of a deal being a mom was and how big of a commitment it would be and I never felt ready for that.
So, thankfully, the timing of our first somewhat "unplanned" pregnancy came after a majorly devastating and yet transformational turning point in my life and suddenly I was ready.
Now, 4 babies later, my reality as a mother has far surpassed my expectations - yes, in line with some of my expectations, being a mom is a huge commitment and I am a stay-at-home mom who homeschools - but there was nothing to be terrified about. Being a mom is the most incredible, fulfilling, joyous, challenging, rewarding, and meaningful thing that I have ever done in my life. I feel so blessed, fortunate, and privileged that my 4 babies will forever call me mom. And when I think back about who I was before motherhood, I am so grateful for the person I have become (and am continuing to become) as a result of being a mom to these incredible children.
Andrea:
What I expected being a mom would be like…I could go on and on… certain things such as being a nanny for 5 years and working in daycare while going to college, made me feel prepared for what to expect in terms of being a person caring for a child. What it didn’t prepare me for is what being a mom to a child would be like. As a caregiver, when a parent got home or all the kids were picked up, I left and carried on my kid-free, free-spirited come-and-go as I please, nap in the middle of the day, sleep all night life. I got to clock out mentally and physically. Of course, especially as a nanny, I thought about and worried about the kids when I wasn’t with them but I wasn’t consumed with it. I knew they were ok, they were with their parents. So while, of course, I knew this wouldn’t be the case when I became a parent I don’t think I fully understood the depth of what it meant to never be able to “clock out”. After my first was born, when she was about 2 months old, I remember having a break down to my husband. I had yet to figure out how to not be in the same room as her and be ok. I remember telling him that the walk from my car to the front door of my house to unlock it before going back and getting her to bring her inside was my 30 seconds of freedom. Then the mom guilt kicked in and cue the insane amount of crying because how could I ever look so forward to that 30 seconds?? I must be an awful mom.
I now have two children and my oldest is almost 3 and while I have fully figured out how to not be in the same room as my kids and even enjoy and look forward to that time. I still haven’t clocked out. I honestly don’t think I ever will. See you can’t clock out of being a mom. Even when you’re not physically with your kids you mentally are. You are running checklists in your head, being sure of everyone's comings and goings, hoping they’re eating lunch, getting a good nap, hoping that they are safe. And when you start thinking about their safety, if they’re not in your sight, every single episode of criminal minds that involves kids starts running through your head. . . so now you need to take time to talk yourself down and reassure yourself they are with someone safe and reliable and they are ok. . . and now that you’ve called and checked in and feel better you hang up the phone and realize you forgot to ask if they have had a good poop. . . because yes as a parent something I never expected to be so important is keeping track of another human’s poops! Yes, I just said that and if you’re a mom of young children reading this you’re probably laughing knowing how true this is. As a parent, you get really good at multitasking, keeping all these thoughts and concerns at bay so you can get work done or enjoy some hopefully relaxing time to yourself.
Although if you’re out with other moms, no worries about keeping the thoughts to yourself. Your grown-up time away from the kids will be spent talking about everyone's kids. :-) I end this with a smiley face. Because while I was never prepared for how much my kids would consume me physically and mentally…I love it, I love worrying about them. I love knowing how their days are going. I love knowing what they’ve eaten and if and when they went number 2, and if you give me a chance to talk about my kids, I will take it and talk your ear off the whole time!
Take some time to appreciate the special woman in your life. You can also spoil her (or yourself) this mother’s day with this awesome deal from The Boudoir Studio! This expires on Mother’s Day so don’t delay. More details here.
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